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My life as I probably am aware it will never be the same

My life as I probably am aware it will never be the same

I'm just done reading "Drink" by Ann Dowsett Johnston. I am 47 years of age. I am attempting to place on my normal perky, jovial face for the world but inside I am a total mix up.

Drink' helped me face my drinking habits which has been an issue for a long time. It made me feel uninsulated which was really soothing. My abuse of liquor was not just "hereditary inclination" or me having no self control.....my utilization of liquor to comfort and maintain me originates from many issues throughout my life. I never had a rosy childhood; My father was unfaithful probably due to my mother being obese and lacking in confidence leaving me without attention and care. Psychologically, I was strong.


Strangely, I took no alcohol in high school. However, I went to university at a reputable institution which takes pride in its academic excellence....while students prided themselves on their ability to party. Thus started my adventure into episodic drinking and consequent terrible conduct - running from power outages, to awful aftereffects to unseemly sexual exercises.


With a feeling of being obese the only way I knew I could engage in anything sexual with boys under the influence of alcohol was to loosen up by taking alcohol.


When I look back, I remember one day I woke up in a frat house in Montreal, beside me there is this guy totally naked in bed'.. But I felt relieved because I could've been end up in hospital, got badly injured, or worst I could've been pregnant, but I didn't.


Life moved on - I became a licensed nurse, got a masters degree and dated a lovely guy. We took wine on weekends when we were with each other and sometimes during the week I would buy myself a drink.

After that comes a moment when I got married, I got pregnant twice, both I had it when I completely abstained of alcohol. But then as life progressed on, aging parents, ADHD child, stressed out, compulsive husband with anger problems'..wine on weekends turned to being wine Thursday - Sunday.


My husband got hooked on a local "brew-your-own" so we had cases and cases of wine'..and shortly a nightly custom to crack one or two'..Privately, I started combining my personal cocktails and having the glass concealed in my baking cupboard.

When I return home - and face the family mess, getting dinner, attempting to get ADHD kid to concentrate on homework while prying the other erratic of his iPod.....I can just consider blending that drink....which I continue refilling until in the long run I nod off or go out. In the mornings, what I do first is to go through my I-phone to find out whom I may have accidentally texted while being intoxicated.


Be that as it may, there is more - two years prior I got to be distinctly required in an extremely serious enthusiastic issue with one of my child's companion's fathers. The relationship never got physical (other then a couple embraces and standing close at donning occasions) however in the event that any of you have perused about (or encountered) an enthusiastic undertaking, the effect can be similarly as sensational and extreme, if not more so then a physical relationship. I was very happy - each time my phone pointed out a message...oh the rush of emotions. On many occasions, we chatted late into the night, at times in the midnight, when we were at work.


I was content at this high point in my life. The relationship was getting dangerously near intersection the sexual line and he pulled back. I was emotionally wounded and desolate, so my use of alcohol grew.

My mixed drinks alleviated me they helped the agony.

I am so embarrassed as view back over my life. The inebriated scenes:

  • Being completely drunk at a party last year.
  • Intoxicated at my sister's 50th birthday
  • Mouthing off on my iPhone
  • Creating a scene in the presence of my children.
  • Hitting my fist at my husband in the face
  • An aggregate yelling battle one night when my child had a companion dozing over

I am in counselling which has been an illuminating realisation.....plus reading Ann's book and now finding out this website and reading related stories. I have a feeling that I am returning home.